Happiness...... and Struggle

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it” - Eat Pray Love

Every day, I find myself in a fight for happiness. I’m not sure when this journey for true happiness began, I’ve been putting a lot of thought into that question lately. At age 27, I find myself fighting, striving and insisting upon a happy life. Not the happiness I have lived with my whole life; but true, deep down, heart filled happiness. I’ve lived a happy life, a good life. I have parents who love me, who have given me everything I’ve needed and who have always supported me (thanks mom and dad!). I have friends and family who I can lean on when things get tough. I have my health and I have my intelligence. Don’t these things mean I am happy? Once, these things did make me happy, made me believe I was living a happy life, but sometime in the past couple years, I’ve started to yearn for more. I yearn for a life full of adventure, service to others and new experiences. The moment I decided to say yes to the Peace Corps was the moment I realized I did not want to look back in 40 years with regret. I wanted to look back in 40 years and think “Damn, I was brave and that experience was awesome.”

On April 5, I moved to my permanent site -a town in the Magway division. Because of cultural differences, I have struggled. I’ve struggled to leave the house on my own, get my own groceries, cook my own meals, eat what I want to eat, walk where I want to walk, sleep how I want to sleep, wear the clothing I want to wear, use a fan when I want to use a fan, shower when I want to shower, exercise how I want to exercise. Myanmar is a collectivist culture. I’m an independent person. I’ve spent the past 4 years living on my own, taking care of myself. Man have I struggled. But I’ve found happiness in these struggles. This is where the real fight comes in, I fight every day to keep a positive attitude and find ways to make things better.

What’s the fight look like here in Myanmar? Waking up around 5:30am to loud music, barking dogs or squealing pigs; drenched in sweat because the electricity went out at some point and it’s 90 degrees with no breeze. Trying to go to sleep at 11pm, but you can’t escape the barking dogs, squealing pigs or prayer over the loudspeakers. Sweating profusely the entire day because it’s 110 degrees and the electricity is off, which leaves you with no fan. Everything surrounding you is covered in dust and dirt. Thinking about the chicken that you’re about to eat, after you know it’s sat out in the heat all day. Your feet are constantly brown with dirt and dust. You need to charge your phone, but nope the electricity is out again. You want to go to the market, but you’re stuck inside because it’s too hot to be outside in the middle of the day. You want to make friends with the nice lady who owns the shop across the street, but you can’t get past “Hi. How are you? What’s your name” because you only know a little Burmese. You've got to do laundry again, but you don't have the energy to hand wash 6 shirts, 2 pants and countless underwear. You want to cook lunch, shoot the electricity is out so it looks like you’ll have an apple, again. You dropped your umbrella while walking to school, but don’t worry everyone already knows by the time you get to school because word travels fast here. You’re dreaming of your comfortable mattress in America while being poked in multiple places by your bamboo sleeping mat. You want a glass of wine, well forget about it because Myanmar female teachers do not drink alcohol.

My Myanmar laundry room

Every day, there are fights but everyday there is also happiness. Every day is filled with a dozen reasons to make me happy. When I walk to school in the morning, and am greeted by a group of 5th grade students who want to carry all my things, I am happy. What else makes me happy? Going to the market and successfully buying all the things I need, without using any English language. Eating dinner by candlelight with my aunties and uncle, who think of me as their daughter. The sunsets, the smiles on all of the children's faces and the curiosity that fills everyone’s eyes. I live in a town of 80,000 people, yet I can’t go anywhere without hearing “Mallory” “Teacher Mallory”. It’s an odd feeling, but also a very cool one. It’s so nice to know that these people are so excited to have me here, are genuinely interested in my happiness and are willing to help me with anything I need. There’s still more that makes me happy. The abundance of smiles from every person I pass on the street. Saying hi to stranger and being invited into their house for tea, because that’s Myanmar hospitality. Horse drawn carriages as a means of transportation – seeing that going down the road makes me happy. The knowledge that I get to live and work alongside these amazing people and change their lives by simply doing what I’ve done all of my life, speaking English. When I take the time to reflect, and realize I am living in Asia, that makes me very happy.

The group of 5th grade students who just want to carry my waterbottle and umbrella

I’ve been struggling to write a new blog post, because how do I convey the struggles I am going through, that have me in tears some nights but also convey the happiness and appreciation I feel. Peace Corps is a roller coaster. There is good and bad in every day. Here’s where that fight comes in again. I am choosing every day to fight for happiness. This has taken me down a path of exercise, meditating, journaling, reading and constantly re-framing situations in my own mind. In a day, I face so many challenges, internal and external, but I’ve come to realize that those challenges were put in my path to teach me something. I’m trying to face challenges head on, knowing that overcoming them will make me a better version of myself. I’m not the person I was 3 months ago when I left America, and I’m not the person I’ll be in 24 months when I leave Myanmar.

Each day, the fight for happiness gets a little easier.

One of the beautiful Myanmar sunsets

My uncle and two aunties. My Myanmar host family I live with